Have you been in the wake of painful experiences far too long? If so, I want to encourage you to keep working on healing yourself and reviving your Spirit. The Spirit is what is broken. The Spirit is what separates within us in painful situations.
I feel like I have been in a dark cocoon, cradled in my wounds and traumas for over a dozen years. I’ve been able to cope with my pain and intense suffering while holding space for others. But, all the while, I allowed the scars to transform in deep solitude and internal darkness. It all felt like a massive test, an initiation that required enormous courage. But, because I have been in the trenches, I know healing is also possible for you!
Like so many others, my walk in this life has been a pain-filled path, and the greatest lessons I gained have been from direct experience. I have felt the pain, the injustice, the dishonesty, and the toxic side of a (broken) male dominated world, all intensely from the insight of my heart’s space. I saw clearly and repeatedly that what people say and what they do often do not align, despite any candy-coated persona. I learned to feel the essence of a room, the essence of a person, the essence of a group and interpret how the energy is really showing up. Words can be manipulated and misleading, and even actions can have ill intent, but energy never lies. The sensations, the whisper of your somatic “voice,” never lies. The mind can override intuition and put you in a place of denial to protect your heart at times, but eventually your body will scream to be heard. I am still learning to listen to my body. It has been an honest judge! I encourage you too, to listen deeply to the sensations of your body. Feel into tension and contraction. Listen to your gut responses or how your body feels in someone’s company. Learn the true source of your physical ailments and when and why they occurred. Ask yourself, is my Spirit trying to tell me something?
After my rigorous, intense work to heal my Spirit, I am now feeling really ready to emerge into the world with nothing but love to help others on their journey. I always felt like I carried love as my dominant frequency, at least that’s always my goal. But, with each new traumatic experience, I am taught how to love myself even more and how to forgive others even more. Through each hurt, each rough spot in life, each unrelenting trauma, every extensive internal conflict, I got better and better at bathing in all my emotions, letting them all flow over me and pass through me. I slowly learned to transmute all the deep held emotional hurts into the energy of love. It took befriending the darker moments and not being afraid to feel intense emotions as they came in waves. It took sitting with myself and knowing I would be okay. That this too shall pass.
With warrior-like endurance, I have come to understand the mysteries and pure gems that reveal themselves at different points on the healing journey, like the depths of unconditional love, non-judgement, grace, oneness, and real deep soul transformation. But, most of all I understand forgiveness and how to forgive myself and others freely. In intense darkness, I came to see that we all have beautiful light that is just being dimmed. We are all connected, all from the same light Source. My heart aches for those who are allowing the darkness to take them over, but therein is a learning experience for them and it’s a part of their journey to transcend. I too was blinded by my own ego, traumas, victim story, and programming. The task is to take radical responsibility to accept the pain, surrender it, and transmute it into something beautiful. Continually let go and choose to grow. I want to urge you to not just read about it, but do the hard work required to transform. Get help when needed. Forgive yourself and do not self-sabotage with self-abusive behaviors.
I humbly admit, life has pressed me to truly embody the wounded healer archetype. It feels like a forced initiation, but perhaps I signed up for this life experience. I hope to be a relatable guide on your journey, as I have endured expert narcissistic abuse, sexual abuse from a clergyman, religious abuse, extreme betrayal, being homeless, rejection by people I loved, a natural disaster, abandonment, and have painfully watched family members suffer from drug addiction (many of whom did not win the battle).
I especially have a heart to help women. As I have endured wounds to my femininity that I thought I would never heal. But something deep inside of me refused to give up. A small spark of hope for the human collective of the belief in the ability of light to defeat darkness is what kept me going. The more challenges came my way, the better I got at alchemizing them. I learned how to turn dross into gold, darkness into light, hate into love, and betrayal into self-love!
Keep surrendering and keep loving yourself more. Keep trying your best to make your Spirit whole. Forgive yourself and let light in.
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Work with me to release trapped emotions. drchristina@ivyvitality.com
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